A year in review...and a little Hope!

This last year has been one of the most trying and difficult years of my life.  I am not where I thought I would be at this point in my life.  I know that I need to better myself in so many ways.  Now did I lose all the weight I wanted to, no, probably gained some.  But my year was not solely focused on weight loss, in order for me to lose the weight I need to make other changes in my life.  I spent a good part of the year focusing on letting things go, especially things I have no control over and have been hanging on to them for years.  Also not dwelling on the bad and letting it affect me for months at a time.  Realizing I am not perfect and if I have a bad day, or something doesn't go as planned, there is always tomorrow to start over and I do not need to bring it over into the next day.  This was huge for me, I am not perfect at it, but I have learned how to let things go. I have in the past tended to dwell on things that are not that important and it affects my life in such a negative way.  I am learning and am much better at focusing on the positive things in my life.  Such as a family who loves me for me...craziness and all.  Also for a Father in Heaven who knows me..where I need to be and who needs to be in my life.  I have been so blessed to be in Blackfoot, ID (who would have thought I would ever say that, lol) and for the friends I have made here and how welcoming they are and how much love they have shown me!  We all need to be loved right?  Most importantly we all need to love ourselves...something I struggle with and something I am working on every day. 

Goal #1 for 2014: Believing that I deserve better and I am better...Most importantly loving myself!!!

A little bit of Hope....  In August of this last year I started school again after a very long time.  School is hard for me and it always has been.  I took Anthropology and a literature class.  I really liked both of them.  Literature I ended up getting a B+, which I was stoked about.  My professor, who I liked very much, was hard to figure out and I struggled knowing exactly what she wanted.  Did really well on the papers, but struggled somewhat on the tests.  But I left that class with a better appreciation of poetry, drama, fiction and non fiction stories.  Anthropology was a bit harder than the literature class, but the professor was amazing,  I couldn't wait to go to the class each week and it was a 2 1/2 hour class.  This wasn't a sit and listen to the professor type class, I had to be involved, working in groups, class discussion.  I made a goal to make a comment each week, which I did, so I had to know my stuff.  His tests were hard.  On the first test 78% (devastated, wanted to throw in towel), 2nd test 84% (feeling a little better), 10 page paper 96%, and finally the final....(sorry this is long) This is where a little hope comes into play...I studied really hard for this final, I knew if I could get an A depending on the percentage I would get an A or A- in the class.  I had some extra credit to make up for my other tests that weren't at the highest.  The final comes...I take my time taking going over each question at least 5 times and making sure all my answers matched up with the right number.  I left feeling ok...positive that I more than likely will get a B,B+ in the class and I was ok with that.  I knew that I had done everything I could.   I am at work and every day, every hour more like it I check to see if they grades are posted....Well....I refresh for the 100th time that day and guess what pops up 100%...and sat there shocked and refreshed it a few more times...then it hit me...I did it...I got an A....Then I sat and cried in my office like a baby!!  In that moment for the rest of the day was this overwhelming feeling of hope and that I really can do anything, a little hard work and massive amounts of prayer and major things can happen.  It has been a long time since I felt such true happiness and joy.  I don't ever want to forget that feeling, which is why I am writing this and maybe by sharing this this can help someone realize that they can do it to.  Because since that moment and coming into a new year I have had those moments of doubt and insecurity...I remember that 100% and that I can do this.  I know that there will be struggles, but getting through those struggles can only make me stronger. 

Goal #2 for 2014: Take life day by day and don't let the little things get you down. I need to always have hope... Remembering the 100%...

All things are Possible!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Hello Panic Attack

So it is Monday and my Literature class it tonight.  I get real nervous when I go to this class because right now it is all about poetry.  I struggle with that and interpreting it....Ugh!!!  Well we are learning how to compare a picture to the poem written about it.  She says we are going to each be assigned one and we are going to study it and present it to the class.  At this point I think I went completely pale and was trying to figure out which door was closest for my quick exit.  So I of course said a quick prayer...and pretty soon I started to calm down, my fists weren't quenched so tight anymore...needless to say I did survive and didn't pass out.  I think I did a pretty good job!!  Sigh of Relief.....Next week my first test in this class.....let the next panic attack happen. 

The Picture Below and the two poems are what I had to present to the class...It is actually very interesting.

Peter Brueghel the Elder, Landscape with the fall of Icarus

 

Musee des Beaux Arts

W. H. Auden About suffering they were never wrong,
The old Masters: how well they understood
Its human position: how it takes place
While someone else is eating or opening a window or just walking dully along;
How, when the aged are reverently, passionately waiting
For the miraculous birth, there always must be
Children who did not specially want it to happen, skating
On a pond at the edge of the wood:
They never forgot
That even the dreadful martyrdom must run its course
Anyhow in a corner, some untidy spot
Where the dogs go on with their doggy life and the torturer's horse
Scratches its innocent behind on a tree.In Breughel's Icarus, for instance: how everything turns away
Quite leisurely from the disaster; the ploughman may
Have heard the splash, the forsaken cry,
But for him it was not an important failure; the sun shone
As it had to on the white legs disappearing into the green
Water, and the expensive delicate ship that must have seen
Something amazing, a boy falling out of the sky,
Had somewhere to get to and sailed calmly on.

Landscape With The Fall of Icarus

  by William Carlos Williams

According to Brueghel
when Icarus fell
it was spring

a farmer was ploughing
his field
the whole pageantry

of the year was
awake tingling
near

the edge of the sea
concerned 
with itself

sweating in the sun
that melted
the wings' wax

unsignificantly
off the coast
there was

a splash quite unnoticed
this was
Icarus drowning

So what do you all think????

Another week down...

Went to my first week of my Literature class, one that I was dreading and struggling with all the reading.  I did make it to the class, even though I kept telling myself I couldn't do it.  The class wasn't bad at all!!  My professor is an older woman who is so eccentric.  She gets so excited about poetry and laughs at her own jokes!  Poetry is not my thing, but I think I will survive this class. It is definitely going to be hard for me, but it will be a good challenge. 

Who would have thought that my Anthropology class would be so interesting and I am so into it!  Crazy right!!  I have a pretty good professor so that helps. I got my first assignment back and I did a pretty good job, such a sigh of relief...I may survive.   I look forward to going to class each week.  My first tests are coming up....My oh My...Let the anxiety begin.

 

The Rendezvous Building where both of my classes are in the same class room!

 

 The skulls we are studying right now.  I didn't get pictures of the Gorilla's..they were pretty cool!!

 My First Assignment...I got a Very Good Job!!  I will take it!!

Back to School, Back to School, to prove to dad that I'm not a fool...

So I have decided to go back to school...Someone help me!  It was a last minute decision and everything just fell into place.  I got into Idaho State University, got my student loans, and books.  Attended my first class the end August, was very nervous, circled the building a couple times while talking myself out of going, then talking myself into going.  I parked in the farthest parking lot away so I could get some exercise walking to class.  I felt a little old walking by the dorms....hoped I wasn't the oldest one in the class.  Anthropology my first class...wasn't the oldest one in the class, but was definitely afraid to talk to anyone, kept to myself and listened intently.  I haven't yet been to my Literature class, I missed the first day due applying so late.  I have struggled with the reading so far which has been super discouraging.  I will attend my first class there tomorrow 9/9...I am extremely nervous and feel that I am not very will prepared.  I have done my best to get through the 200 pages of reading...ugh....I keep telling myself to drop the class, but I don't want too...I need to finish school.  I need to do something that will make me happy.  Instead of bouncing from one job to the next.  I want to be a teacher, I always have wanted that, but I hate school...Ironic...I think so. 

 

The 2nd day in my Anthropology class...I made a goal to participate and talk to someone.  I felt prepared.  I read everything I was suppose to read, some of it twice.  I did the homework...with only a few tears.  I think it will get better each week.  I was nervous all class...then he asked a question...I knew the answer...so I raised my hand.  He called on me in a very nervous voice I answered...He said excellent.  Oh my goodness I just got a gold star. That is how it felt!  I took a deep breath and the nerves went away.  Then we had small group discussions..started to freak out a bit.  Didn't leave after the break...another gold star.  I was so glad when the guy in front of me asked me to be in their group.  YES!!  I met 3 people in my class.  One who's name is Stacey and she is awesome!  My first friend at college.  Such a nerd...  I was able to accomplish both goals: Participate and Make a friend!

 

I feel like a complete dork, having to set goals for myself and having a constant battle with myself to do homework, stay in school and not drop out, not feeling smart enough. Has anyone gone back to school after a long time and felt like this or am I the only one.  I have to do this, I know there will be good days and bad.  I need to do something with my life, these dead end jobs are killing me.  Am I thankful I have a job.  Heavens to Betsy yes....but I want to do something that I have always wanted to do...So back to school I go.  

 

 

 

Perfect Timing

Just when the negative thoughts take over your mind and you just can't take anymore.  You find a one of the cutest 7 year olds shirt, that ended up in your laudry, What does it say THING HAPPY THOUGHTS.  If that doesn't flip your mind set.....nothing will.  It put a much needed smile on my face.  I didn't want to return it, but I had too!!  What a funny coincidence!!

 

 

So Hard...

Why is this so hard???  Loving yourself....It is so easy to dislike yourself, but loving yourself is incredibly hard.  It has been years since I liked me...I don't know how to like myself again.  Which makes it extremely hard to make necessary changes in my life to be happy!  These last few weeks have been really hard, very up and down...mostly down.  This is going to be one long tough journey...I need to get myself back on track.  One step at a time...One day at a time...

Feeling overwhelmed...

The amount of being overwhelmed with all the change I am trying to make...is pushing me over the edge.  If I am being honest there is a lot I have to work on with in myself....it is not just about losing weight, but fixing what made me gain the weight....This is a little more daunting task than I would hope!  Wishing I could just wake up tomorrow and it would all be fixed...right...well that is not how it works.  I know it won't happen over night, but a girl can dream.  Patience is a virtue right?? Well I need some serious patience and learn to take it one day at a time.  Ugh...not a very patient person especially when it comes to me! 

Why is it so hard to stay positive and motivated