Monday, September 16, 2013

Hello Panic Attack

So it is Monday and my Literature class it tonight.  I get real nervous when I go to this class because right now it is all about poetry.  I struggle with that and interpreting it....Ugh!!!  Well we are learning how to compare a picture to the poem written about it.  She says we are going to each be assigned one and we are going to study it and present it to the class.  At this point I think I went completely pale and was trying to figure out which door was closest for my quick exit.  So I of course said a quick prayer...and pretty soon I started to calm down, my fists weren't quenched so tight anymore...needless to say I did survive and didn't pass out.  I think I did a pretty good job!!  Sigh of Relief.....Next week my first test in this class.....let the next panic attack happen. 

The Picture Below and the two poems are what I had to present to the class...It is actually very interesting.
Peter Brueghel the Elder, Landscape with the fall of Icarus
Musee des Beaux Arts
W. H. Auden About suffering they were never wrong,
The old Masters: how well they understood
Its human position: how it takes place
While someone else is eating or opening a window or just walking dully along;
How, when the aged are reverently, passionately waiting
For the miraculous birth, there always must be
Children who did not specially want it to happen, skating
On a pond at the edge of the wood:
They never forgot
That even the dreadful martyrdom must run its course
Anyhow in a corner, some untidy spot
Where the dogs go on with their doggy life and the torturer's horse
Scratches its innocent behind on a tree.In Breughel's Icarus, for instance: how everything turns away
Quite leisurely from the disaster; the ploughman may
Have heard the splash, the forsaken cry,
But for him it was not an important failure; the sun shone
As it had to on the white legs disappearing into the green
Water, and the expensive delicate ship that must have seen
Something amazing, a boy falling out of the sky,
Had somewhere to get to and sailed calmly on.

Landscape With The Fall of Icarus

  by William Carlos Williams
According to Brueghel
when Icarus fell
it was spring

a farmer was ploughing
his field
the whole pageantry

of the year was
awake tingling

the edge of the sea
with itself

sweating in the sun
that melted
the wings' wax

off the coast
there was

a splash quite unnoticed
this was
Icarus drowning

So what do you all think????

Saturday, September 14, 2013

Another week down...

Went to my first week of my Literature class, one that I was dreading and struggling with all the reading.  I did make it to the class, even though I kept telling myself I couldn't do it.  The class wasn't bad at all!!  My professor is an older woman who is so eccentric.  She gets so excited about poetry and laughs at her own jokes!  Poetry is not my thing, but I think I will survive this class. It is definitely going to be hard for me, but it will be a good challenge. 
Who would have thought that my Anthropology class would be so interesting and I am so into it!  Crazy right!!  I have a pretty good professor so that helps. I got my first assignment back and I did a pretty good job, such a sigh of relief...I may survive.   I look forward to going to class each week.  My first tests are coming up....My oh My...Let the anxiety begin.
The Rendezvous Building where both of my classes are in the same class room!
 The skulls we are studying right now.  I didn't get pictures of the Gorilla's..they were pretty cool!!

 My First Assignment...I got a Very Good Job!!  I will take it!!

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Back to School, Back to School, to prove to dad that I'm not a fool...

So I have decided to go back to school...Someone help me!  It was a last minute decision and everything just fell into place.  I got into Idaho State University, got my student loans, and books.  Attended my first class the end August, was very nervous, circled the building a couple times while talking myself out of going, then talking myself into going.  I parked in the farthest parking lot away so I could get some exercise walking to class.  I felt a little old walking by the dorms....hoped I wasn't the oldest one in the class.  Anthropology my first class...wasn't the oldest one in the class, but was definitely afraid to talk to anyone, kept to myself and listened intently.  I haven't yet been to my Literature class, I missed the first day due applying so late.  I have struggled with the reading so far which has been super discouraging.  I will attend my first class there tomorrow 9/9...I am extremely nervous and feel that I am not very will prepared.  I have done my best to get through the 200 pages of reading...ugh....I keep telling myself to drop the class, but I don't want too...I need to finish school.  I need to do something that will make me happy.  Instead of bouncing from one job to the next.  I want to be a teacher, I always have wanted that, but I hate school...Ironic...I think so. 
The 2nd day in my Anthropology class...I made a goal to participate and talk to someone.  I felt prepared.  I read everything I was suppose to read, some of it twice.  I did the homework...with only a few tears.  I think it will get better each week.  I was nervous all class...then he asked a question...I knew the I raised my hand.  He called on me in a very nervous voice I answered...He said excellent.  Oh my goodness I just got a gold star. That is how it felt!  I took a deep breath and the nerves went away.  Then we had small group discussions..started to freak out a bit.  Didn't leave after the break...another gold star.  I was so glad when the guy in front of me asked me to be in their group.  YES!!  I met 3 people in my class.  One who's name is Stacey and she is awesome!  My first friend at college.  Such a nerd...  I was able to accomplish both goals: Participate and Make a friend!
I feel like a complete dork, having to set goals for myself and having a constant battle with myself to do homework, stay in school and not drop out, not feeling smart enough. Has anyone gone back to school after a long time and felt like this or am I the only one.  I have to do this, I know there will be good days and bad.  I need to do something with my life, these dead end jobs are killing me.  Am I thankful I have a job.  Heavens to Betsy yes....but I want to do something that I have always wanted to do...So back to school I go.  

Saturday, August 24, 2013

Perfect Timing

Just when the negative thoughts take over your mind and you just can't take anymore.  You find a one of the cutest 7 year olds shirt, that ended up in your laudry, What does it say THING HAPPY THOUGHTS.  If that doesn't flip your mind set.....nothing will.  It put a much needed smile on my face.  I didn't want to return it, but I had too!!  What a funny coincidence!!

Sunday, August 18, 2013

So Hard...

Why is this so hard???  Loving yourself....It is so easy to dislike yourself, but loving yourself is incredibly hard.  It has been years since I liked me...I don't know how to like myself again.  Which makes it extremely hard to make necessary changes in my life to be happy!  These last few weeks have been really hard, very up and down...mostly down.  This is going to be one long tough journey...I need to get myself back on track.  One step at a time...One day at a time...

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Feeling overwhelmed...

The amount of being overwhelmed with all the change I am trying to pushing me over the edge.  If I am being honest there is a lot I have to work on with in is not just about losing weight, but fixing what made me gain the weight....This is a little more daunting task than I would hope!  Wishing I could just wake up tomorrow and it would all be fixed...right...well that is not how it works.  I know it won't happen over night, but a girl can dream.  Patience is a virtue right?? Well I need some serious patience and learn to take it one day at a time.  Ugh...not a very patient person especially when it comes to me! 

Why is it so hard to stay positive and motivated

Thursday, June 27, 2013

My Nemesis...

 I have done really good the last few weeks not going out to fast food!!!  Lets be honest...I failed today!!  I was tired and just lazy and didn't want to cook.  90 degree weather didn't not help me!! UGH....for the first time in a long time it made me feel sick to my stomach...which is a good thing and maybe next time I will remember this feeling and decide to make a sandwich instead.  So I need to say fast food (I need some serious will power)...YOU WILL NOT BE MISSED!!! (well maybe a little).  This is going to be tough!!! 

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

The good and the bad...

The Bad:

Last week I got a touch of food poisoning...I was out for a few days...didn't eat for almost 48 hours.  The only person I can blame is ME!! I swear I can cook! Took me about 4 days to feel normal again.  I didn't work out much last week.  :(  But.....

The Good: 

Down 5 lbs....pretty sure I can thank the food poisoning.  I will take it.  As an added bonus and I got to hang with these kiddos this weekend.  We camped out in the backyard.....and had a photo shoot. Gotta love em...Plus chasing them around, I am sure I burned plenty of calories!!

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Oh Geez....

So if you are reading this then you are a friend on facebook. I will say it is super hard for me to let anyone this is going to be a new experience for me.  I am in need of some serious change in my life and doing it by myself isn't working as well as I would like it maybe with a little support from those in my life..may help keep me motivated...Cause finding motivation is super hard for me.  I am almost 36...(where did the time go) and am not exactly where I would like to be in life.  There is still a lot of life left and I would really enjoy living it instead of wasting away doing nothing.  It is not a secret I need to drop a couple pounds...that seems to hold me back quite a bit...I tried doing this whole blog thing a little over a year ago, but no one really knew about it and quite honestly I sucked at it.  I was challenged to put it on facebook and let people in...well here goes...hopefully I will start making steps in the right direction and maybe find some much needed support. 

New Favorite Recipe

I was looking for a healthier way to make banana bread...and I came across the site and she had a recipe for Low Fat Oatmeal Blueberry Banana Bread and I will say it did not disappoint. Going through the website I noticed a few recipes that I may try next...Well Done Ambitious Kitchen. 

Click here for the recipe!!

Saturday, April 27, 2013

A little over a month ago...

A little over a month ago I have started to eat right and exercise.  In no way shape or form have I been perfect.  I have had good days followed by bad days.....I have been able to find ways to come back from those bad days...typically if I had a bad day it would last for months or years.  So even with those bad days I have found some success...I weighed myself and I am down........

9lbs...I haven't been perfect, but I will take it!!!  

Thursday, April 18, 2013

So Sick and So Blessed.....

For the past couple days I have been sicker than a dog!!  I hate being sick, sure did knock me down!!! Thanks to Erin and Linda for coming to my need and bringing me the essentials.  It is always great to have Amazing family and friends who will drop everything to help you.  Sure does make you feel loved!!! 

Today we had a Relief Society activity about Doing Good!!  I definitely haven't been doing enough good.  I have been so blessed in the ward (church group) I have been placed in, especially with the sisters in it.  They have been so warm and welcoming to me.  So many hugs and hello's especially on Sunday.  When some days it can be hard to walk into a room all by yourself.  I have been doing it for many years and it doesn't seem to get any easier.  There is always someone who will sit by me and chat with me.  I realized today that I have been really selfish lately and only thinking of myself and all my problems.  Maybe if I spend some time helping others, doing good, that in the long run it will only benefit me and help me (once again a little selfish, but you know what I mean). So I plan to start doing some Good!!! This week a lot was done to help me...Time to pay it Forward...Right!!!

"And behold, I tell you these things that ye may learn wisdom; that ye may learn that when ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God." Mosiah 2:17

Monday, April 15, 2013

The dreaded Monday...

Boy do I hate Mondays!!!  I don't even know why...going back to work...getting up to an alarm clock...I seem to struggle most on this day.  Maybe it is cuz I didn't sleep very well last night....which may have lead to my emotions taking over for the day. Which left me only wanting to crawl into bed when I got home from work and sleep...which I did! Blast!! Did I make the 20 min today, no, but there is always tomorrow! So the plan....forget about today(don't dwell on it) and start fresh tomorrow!! 

Sunday, April 14, 2013

20 minutes...will it kill me....

20 minutes a day...that is all I need to do.  Why is it hard to put on clothes and hit the treadmill or walk outside.  So Saturday....the same thing..I am a little bored nothing to do.  Something keeps telling me 20 minutes that is it. So after 2 hours of fighting it...I threw on my work out clothes and headed to the gym.  Hopped on the treadmill....put the towel over the time, lets be honest I will sit and stare at it and it goes even slower.  So that little thing helps me so much, which is a little weird...whatever works.  Right??  I worked up a little sweat....and felt good when I finished.  As I walked out of the gym and heard honking and cheering...looked up and who was there...My stalkers...Erin and Scott.  There were picking up there car and saw me coming out.  Nothing like a little cheering to make you feel good that day. So did that 20 minutes kill I do twenty minutes a few times a!! 

So that's my number for now...20....It won't kill me!!